Now nobody's saying the Chatsworth Estate is the Garden of Eden,
but it's been a good home to us, to me,
Frank Gallagher, and me kids who l'm proud of, cos every single one of 'em
reminds me a little of me.
They can all think for themselves, which they've got me to thank for.
Lip, who's a bit of a gobshite, which is why nobody calls him Phillip any more.
lan, a lot like his mam, which is handy for the others cos she's disappeared into thin air.
And Carl. We daren't let him grow his hair for two reasons -
it makes it stand on end and makes him look like Toyah, and nits love him.
Debbie - sent by God, total angel.
You've to check your change but she'll go miles out of her way
to do you a favour,
plus lickle Liam, who's gonna be a star some day.
Sheila, me bird, couldn't be happier. One plate short of a full set, like.
And fantastic neighbours Kev and Veronica - lend ya anything,
well, almost anything.
Carol and Marty - the lodgers from hell. Last of the lonely hearts
and a psychologist's wet dream. Still, nobody's perfect.
But all of 'em to a man know first and foremost
one of the most vital necessities in life is they know how to throw a party!
Heh, heh, heh, scatter!
What's new, Pussycat? Whoa, whoa, whoa
What's new, Pussycat? Whoa, whoa, who-o-oa...
Get your shirt off, Frank! >
..Pussycat, Pussycat, l've got flowers
And lots of hours to spend with you
So go and powder your cute little pussycat nose
Pussycat, Pussycat, l love you
Yes, l do...
(lan) 'Someone once said that life's what happens
'when you're busy making other plans. Feels about right.
'We're all so busy looking at the road ahead, we never really notice
'where we're at, which is dangerous,
'cos sometimes there's a great, big, fucking juggernaut coming.'
State of him. How does it happen? How do you get like that?
.. You're a tosser...
- People love him. - Yeah, l know. And it's pathetic.
So, who are you going to vote for? Queen?
No-one. They're all terrible.
..Pussycat, Pussycat, l love you
.. Yes, l do
lt's not unusual, you and your pussycat eyes, both of them...
How much for a tit wank, girls?
Dunno. What you offering?
Don't pay for it. Don't have to.
- ls that right? - Got 'em queuing round the block.
- When you're ready. - Gotta go.
See you later, if you're lucky.
Poke my sister, you're dead.
He says, ''l'm sorry, l'm out of milk and cat food... ''
- We need words, councillor. - The matter's closed.
Far from it, Mr Karib. The Catholic Youth Club provides an important social function,
- knitting together this community... - lt's a drugs den.
- lts closure might... - lt's a fucking drugs den.
lt's not a drugs den. lt's a youth club, for good, honest kids with nowhere else to go.
And whilst it may be convenient for you and your council cronies
to dismiss that, so you can line your pockets by selling the land,
those kids need God's good guidance.
- l've bought drugs from there. - The motion's passed.
lt's being demolished. End of story.
The bird of paradise alights only upon the hand
that does not grasp. You might care to remember that.
Here you go, Carol. Supplies, courtesy of Hotel Britannica.
l'm not sewing 'em now.
- What have you brought it all here for? - We're shooting off to a party.
- What sort of party? - Sort you're not coming to.
- Hiya. - Can you get us some take-outs?
What you after?
A few cans. Lager will do.
Strongest you've got.
- You're not inviting us? - No offence, but it's gonna be pretty hardcore.
- We can do hardcore, can't we, Marty? - We've heard.
Golden shower!
Great stuff, great stuff. Next we've got Wendy Wagstaff, everyone!
Come on, Wendy. Hello, darlin'. Tell us who you're gonna be tonight, Wendy.
Kev, tonight, l'm going to be Karen Carpenter.
Jesus! Shoot me now!
- You're working too hard. - lt's only short term,
just till all this council stuffs been dealt with. There's a conference in a couple of weeks.
Harrogate. You could come over.
Hotel's been paid for.
Night.
Only got a few hours' kip. Those pills were proper mental.
- Fancy another? - We can't!
Why not? Sly half. lt'll give the day an interesting spin.
By the way, Zoe said to tell you she'll be expecting you after work.
KNOCKlNG
All right, Blondie?
Oh, no!
KNOCKlNG CONTlNUES
Can l see me fucking brother?
Kev! Kev, let us in.
Fuck off! >
Fuck off yourself, you dirty, fucking scaghead!
Open the door. Let me in, Kev.
- l can see... Move your fucking hand, you... - Fuck offl
There's no way, Kel, not after last time.
- Veronica would have me bollocks in a bag. - She doesn't like me.
She caught you shooting up in our bog.
l'm clean now. Honest.
lt's not just that. lt's you two. You're at each other like cat and dog.
Dog's right, in her case.
l'm working again. l've got money coming in, look.
l've finally found something l'm good at. l just need a room.
l can't help you, babes. You'll have to ask about.
l'm sure someone could do with the extra readies.
Contemporary living accommodation, conveniently situated
close to all local amenities. How much are we talking?
20 gift packs. Sorted.
- Fiver a pop. Don't rip it. Dickhead! - Fuck off!
You fuck off.
Belinda says she'll take another... What you doing? Scissors.
..another 30 for the market, but only if we can do them for the same price as last time.
Morning.
This is a blag.
No, sorry. Put it back.
- What? - That bread was bought by communal money.
Money earned by everyone, with one exception.
- So l starve cos l can't find work? - You've not even looked. You're not trying.
- l don't even live here. - You act and eat as if you do.
Everyone has to contribute, Sue.
l'll pay for her.
She's my guest, so l'll just earn twice as much. Problem sorted.
- How are you gonna do that? - Get a job.
You've been for a dozen jobs this year. You've not got one.
Donkeydick! Sorry. Bumface! Motherfucker-shit-wank-twat-face! Woof!
Look...
l've put adverts up. Handyman.
You know, fixing stuff.
Sue reckons the work'll come rolling in.
Fine, but we're not having passengers.
lf you're staying here, you pay your way.
Bone idle!
- l got your invite. - What invite?
From Jack. Said you'd told him to...
He thinks he's funny. He likes playing God with people.
Maybe he was being benevolent.
You know, forcing us together. That's what we both want, innit?
- Bit of time together. - Whatever happened to courtship? Dates?
Flowers? lf all you want's a quick jump, Lip,
you've got the wrong girl.
Jack. Hiya. God, sorry, l was miles away. Lip's not here.
l'm not looking for Lip.
Right. Um...
Do you want a drink?
All right.
Unless you fancy something a bit stronger.
That'll soften the edges.
You're not kidding. God, it's burning.
Fuck, that's really...
D'you like that?
No, not yet. Tomorrow.
Are you home?
Definitely.
Good.
Ahh, Sadie. All nice and clean now, aren't ya?
Damsel in distress. Needing shelter, somewhere to call home.
Kelly. Kev's sister.
- Oh. Pleased to meet you. - Said she could have Karen's room.
Right, er... Shoes. Take your shoes off.
(Frank) Up you come.
Go on, make yourself comfy. lt's at the back, here...
< Frank...
She used to be on drugs.
Well, who didn't?
l mean, what sort of society is it if we can't offer forgiveness?
lf a young deviant doesn't deserve a second chance? Tell me that.
lt would be nice to have an extra pair of hands helping out.
Exactly!
Bit of company for you, help with the kids.
She's like an au pair without the accent.
Au pair? You're not gonna have sex with her, are you?
Only l've seen a documentary about it on Channel Five.
lt's almost an epidemic.
Hello! Sex?
l've got you, haven't l?
Do you really think l'd be interested in some slip of a girl?
Gonna jump in t'shower. Can l help meself to shampoo and that?
Yeah.
Anyone home?
- There you go, Lillian. - You haven't got anything to unblock drains,
- have you, Kash? - Not unless you wanna try the vodka.
20 Bensons.
5.20.
The Catholic community is very loyal, Kash.
lt'd be unfortunate if your livelihood were to suffer because of their principles.
ls that some kind of threat?
God works in mysterious ways.
So does Allah. Piss off before l strangle you with your rosaries.
< l've gotta go.
l'll see you soon.
When?
Who knows?
That's the fun of it.
- Who says courtship's dead? - You'll have to do better than that!
Jesus!
l'm free Friday...
if you wanna try harder.
MOBlLE RlNGS Phone.
Hello?
- Handy Andy? - That's me!
Hello. ..Yeah. ..No, that's me middle name.
- l'll just get a pen. - What have you been doing in my room?
Borrowing your hair dryer. Mine's blown. Ask Marty.
- What's happened, Debs? - The housekeeping's gone missing. £120.
Well, don't look at me.
Well, who else has been in there?
You can accuse me of a lot of things, Debbie, but l'm not a thief!
l've got me first job!
You know the other day, when you came round to ours...
What of it?
lt were good, wasn't it?
Forbidden fruit and all that.
Nah, l mean, like,
really good.
l've gotta go. Do you need a lift anywhere?
Nah. l'll walk. l fancy a bit of air.
(Woman) Yeah!
MOANlNG AND PANTlNG
< Get down there. Get down there.
RHYTHMlC SLAPPlNG
Frank.
(Get in, get in, get in.)
What were you doing?
Kelly. Bloke in with her. Shagging.
- What, now? - Yeah.
- ln there? - Yes.
Two people, having sex...
..on the other side of that wall.
(Frank) Oh!
- How blonde's blonde? - l don't wanna look like Margi Clarke.
l hope you're charging for that.
Er...Debs!
- She's been like this all week. - Has she told you why?
- Why what? - Debbie thinks l've stolen money.
- You can't say things like that. - Well, someone has.
Has anyone seen my keys? l can't find them. They've got the shop keys on and everything.
- Have you tried the bedroom? - l never thought of that(!)
This place is such a fucking tip, they could be anywhere.
- Right, l'm off to work. - Look at you!
Bloody hell! l never thought l'd see the day!
This is the new me. Sue reckons there's no end to where it could lead.
- See ya. - Have a good day, worker.
l'll cook you summat special for tea.
Half of these are ballads. l draw the line at fucking ballads.
What about Goldfinger? Everyone loves a Bond theme,
apart from that one by Duran Duran.
Morning. Morning.
Got any juice? Me mouth tastes like rotting fish.
l've made breakfast. Fresh coffee, toast.
Brilliant. l'm starving.
Er...will your friend be joining us?
- No. - Oh.
He...shot off early. He's a train driver, morning shift.
Oh. That's a shame. >
Tell him if he wants to join us again... he's more than welcome.
l thought your voice sounded familiar.
Drains need doing. They stink to high heaven.
Spot of painting. My Brendan used to do all this, God rest his soul.
He were useless at most things, but give him a trowel and some caustic soda -
he was happy as a pig in shit. Kettle's on.
Hey, Marty! Marty!
Bastard! Arrgh! Arrgh! GLASS SMASHES
Oh, dear God! Marty!
Oh, me hand!
Wiggle your fingers for me.
How do you know how to do all this?
l do a first aid course at t'community centre. You'd be surprised how often it comes in.
- You'll have to rest that for a few days. - No, l'm fine, honest!
l need to keep working and l need the money...
And l like being here. l don't want to let you down. Spunk-face! Ow!
You remind me of my Brendan.
People used to mock because of his stammer. Anything wi' an S in it, you were buggered.
But once you got to know him, he had a heart of gold.
lt's lonely without him, Marty.
You don't realise what loneliness is until you lose your soul mate.
Will you stay to tea? l've got a shepherd's pie in.
lt were Brendan's favourite...
l've only one pair of hands. lt's gonna take me weeks to get through this lot.
The concierge is ill at the moment so it's easy pickings.
- So when do we see our cut of this? - When all the money comes in.
- When's that likely to be? - Don't worry, you'll get it.
- l'm just gonna use your bog. - Go for it.
- What you doing? - Forbidden fruit.
Fuck off! Lip's downstairs.
l'm sorry.
Here. You left these in me car.
Wow! You look amazing.
Don't look so bad yourself.
How're my two favourite girls?
The trouble is you're too similar. You could be bezzie mates if you'd only let yourselves.
Oh, fuck's sake! Look. We're grown-ups.
Can't we just have a drink and let bygones be bygones?
Suits me.
Fine.
Rum and coke and whatever for Blond...
Veronica.
There, now. Happy families.
Actually, me date's here.
lt'll have to be another time.
We look out for each other, me and Jack. We have to. We're the only family we've got.
You can have a couple of ours, if you want. Liam's cute.
Bites a bit, but he'll grow out of it eventually.
Jack says you're clever.
The last thing you need's to get trapped round here.
- l won't. - How do you know?
l'm different. Same again?
Fucking wanker! Look at the state of her.
- Your brother owes me money. - You'll get it, arsehole!
- You're gonna remind him.
- Apologise. - You what?
- l said, apologise. - Or you'll be doing what?
Lip, leave it. l'm fine. l'll tell Jack to pay you for the gear. Why don't we forget about it?
Fucking slapper!
He's calling her a dirty bitch. He's asking her to bite him.
Look, Sheila, l'm up for a bit of...
l like kinky as much as the next bloke, but this is...
He's begging! She's slapping him and he's begging!
You'll be drilling a fucking hole next. Can't we just...?
This is the third night running. No wonder the fucking trains are running late.
This isn't the train driver. Nor was the one this afternoon. Different voices, different requests.
You what?
She's playing the field, saucy minx.
She's had sex with four different blokes!
BUZZlNG How many fucking boyfriends has she...?
l've finally found something l'm good at.
l just need a room, that's all.
Oh, Jesus Christ! Last little whorehouse in Chatsworth.
Turn around and fuck off!
Keep the money. Just get the fuck out of my shop!
Nowl
THUDS AND CRlES
DlSTANT SlREN
How's my little sister getting on?
Keeping herself out of trouble?
She's a prostitute.
Prostitute? As in...?
Pros-tit-tute. Shags men, for money, in my fucking house.
Frank, that is my little sister you're calling a tart, so you'd better have your facts.
Men coming day and night, so to speak.
Hour at a time. ''Lick me.'' ''Spank me.'' ''Let me call you Mummy.''
Where else do you think she's getting the fucking wedge from?
Oh, Jesus!
l'll have words. l'll ask her to leave. You can't have that going on in...
You can't.
Sheila likes it.
- You what? - Turns her on.
Thinks Kelly's got a healthy sex life.
She doesn't realise she's living with Cynthia fucking Payne.
Be getting luncheon vouchers next.
What's up with you two?
- On the game, Kel? - What?
Oh, have you got this off him? Perveball?
l can't walk round the house without him undressing me with his eyes.
Hey! No, she's...
So l've had the odd man back. Catching up for lost time, aren't l?
That's the thing when you get clean, your libido runs rampant.
Here's your rent.
He were laid there for hours. >
Unconscious. Blood everywhere.
- This is Father Crichton. - That's what l said.
- lt's gotta be, Kash. - He makes threats and you end up like this.
They were robbing us.
They only got a bit of money, a few tokens... Oh, and Kash's mobile.
But there were no forced entry, so God knows how they got in.
They had keys.
- You what? - He reckons they had keys.
How does it feel on?
(Marty) Er...good.
Length OK?
(Marty) Perfect.
Oh, God,
it is... lt's him.
lt's like seeing my Brendan for the very first time.
Say the line.
Er...
l haven't got much sh-sh-shore leave, pretty lady,
but what l have got, l'd like to spend with you.
Er, what do he call you?
Lillian.
Well, Lilly, may l buy you a drink?
Pint of stout.
Cos l hear mandolins in the moonlight...
Prick-cunt!
Fuck off!
Cunt!
Tit-wank!
- Yes? - ls Jack in?
Depends whose asking.
lan Gallagher. l'm a...friend.
(Woman) Jack!
All right.
l won't be long.
What the fuck are you doing coming round here unannounced?
Nice girlfriend, Jack. Fit an' all.
- You can't turn up out of the blue. - She know you like sucking cock?
Shut it! l'll break your fucking legs.
lt's you, innit?
The break-in, the stolen money.
No idea what you're talking about.
You used me.
lf you're gonna talk shit, lan...
You left him for dead!
He's my boyfriend.
Bloke you knocked seven shades of shit out of is my fucking boyfriend!
lan. You're upset. But...
Fuck off!
You stole my keys. Used them to do over the shop.
You left 'em in my car. l give you them back. Why would l do that, lan?
Why would l not just chuck 'em?
lf l were you, l'd think very carefully about what you're accusing.
Everything all right?
Yeah, we've just finished. Haven't we, lan?
Why do birds suddenly appear
Every time you are near?
Just like me...
l miss him so much.
What if l die, Marty? What if l go without ever being touched again?
You might meet someone new. Who knows?
Attractive woman like... Saggy-fat!
One night, Marty. l'll put a word in down at t'community centre for ya.
They're looking for somebody permanent. Caretaker.
You need never be out of work!
l'd like to but... l've got a girlfriend and she's lovely.
lt's all in full working order. l've even had a bath!
lt's not that, honest, Lillian!
l'll pay you! Double money. Nobody need ever know!
OK!
Are you ready, Marty?
Marty?
l'm sorry! l'm really, really sorry!
- Marty, what happened? - Have you joined the navy?
She went mental! Had me dressing up as her dead husband.
- Lillian? - She wanted me to shag her!
Offered money and everything. Bucket of spunk!
- Oh, Come here. - l've let you down and lost me work.
l'm really sorry, Sue! But it weren't my fault, honest!
lt's all right. We'll manage!
l notice they're looking for checkout girls at Costchopper.
£5.50 an hour.
How much is Lillian offering?
STONES HlT WlNDOW
Lip, what the fuck you doing?!
ls that what Juliet said to Romeo?
lt would be if he turned up pissed at 4am. Where's Jack?
Still at the party.
l had to see you.
You make me so fucking horny.
ls that what Romeo said to Juliet?
Act four, scene five.
(Wait there.)
She's got two of 'em in there.
You've a lot of catching up to do.
BUZZlNG
What a night! Party was brilliant! Jack gets these Es -
l've never had anything like 'em, they make your knob tingle.
You should come out sometime with us.
He's a wanker!
What the fuck you talking about?
Look, he were the one that broke into the shop, and beat Kash up.
He were the one that stole the housekeeping money!
Don't try and stick up for him, because l know it's right.
- You don't even know him. - Don't l?
We've been at it like rabbits. We've done it right there on the floor!
And it's the best sex l've ever had.
- You're lying. - Ask him.
You're fucking lying! He's straight.
Didn't look very straight when l was sucking his cock.
He's greased us round with his flash car, cool fucking life,
and we've fallen for it but who is he, Lip?
Who the fuck have we let into our lives?
He's not your fucking mate! He's fuck all to do wi' you.
All l wanted was something outside this house, this fucking family!
And you can't stand it, can you?
You can't stand being left behind.
lt's not about me, Lip.
He's the best mate l've ever had.
His sister's amazing.
And you have to go and interfere with it.
Open your eyes. He's a cunt!
You're the one that brought him into this house
so you're the one that can get rid of him.
Do you know what, lan? That's not gonna happen.
Got any plans for tonight?
No, not really. Why? What you offering?
Me and Zoe are going local, thought you could bring Claire along.
Fucking foursome!
You'll be arranging dinner parties next.
Actually, there'll be five of us.
Bring your mate, Charlie.
(Frank) No, no, Jesus fucking... l'm trying to get ready.
l need you to perform for me, Frank.
(Frank) l'm fucking exhausted!
You can't deny a woman her sexual needs!
l'm in my prime.
CRlES FROM NEXT DOOR
What's happening?
They're role playing.
She's being a whore, he's refusing to pay.
She's calling him all kinds of bastard.
He's hitting her... He's hitting her... He's hitting her.
Oh, Frank, he really is hitting her. Oh, God, Frank.
Oh, God, Frank, no. He's hitting her!
Oh... Fucking hell, Sheila.
Get up, and you get another one!
Jesus, what sort of place is this?
lt's just a normal family home.
How much does he owe you?
Er, fifty.
Come on.
Here.
You'll need that as a deposit on your next accommodation.
Now get out. Go on.
Without further ado, let's welcome on stage the first act.
lt's Wendy Wagstaff everyone!
CHEERlNG
(Kev) Wendy's a mother of six and her interests are smoking, drinking
and the work of Archimedes. Er, Wendy, tell us who you're gonna be.
Tonight, Kev, l'm gonna be Britney Spears!
Oh, baby baby...
Jack, shout us one up, mate.
What you having? Same as you, please, mate.
One of them, please.
Something wasn't right here
Oh, baby, baby, l shouldn't have let you go
Now you're out of sight, dear
Show me how you want it to be...
Sights you see when you haven't got your gun.
l'm a man of God! l'd never do something like that!
So is your Pope and he were a Nazi!
Whatever my quarrel, l would never stoop to the use of violence.
that's where we're different. Now go on, fuck off, before l feed you to t'lions.
Yvonne! Yvonne. He was nothing to do with it.
lt was me.
l've fucked up.
l shagged someone else.
One of Lip's mates...
He stole my keys, it was him that robbed you.
lt was him that nearly killed you
and l know you're both gonna hate me,
but l never meant for any of this to happen, l swear,
and l wanted to tell you sooner but he's Lip's mate
and they're both in the pub now, laughing and joking,
like nothing ever happened...
lt's my fault...
lt's all my stupid fault...
This isn't about me. You two had better talk.
The minute you walked in the joint
l could feel you were a man of distinction
A real big arsehole
Good-looking, so refined
Say, wouldn't you like to know what's going on in my mind?
So let me get right to the point
l don't pop my cork every guy l see
Hey, big spender
Spend
A little time with me
Wouldn't you like to have fun, fun, fun
How's about a few laughs, laughs, laughs
l can show you a good time
Let me show you a...good time
The minute you walked in the joint l could see you were...
Zoe! Zoe!
What the fuck do you think you're doing!
What's Kash doing on this phone?
What you on about, why?
This isn't your phone. Where'd you get it? Did Jack give it yer?
- l'm saying nothing 'til you calm down. - TELL ME!
- He got it knock off. Why? - Bastard!
So he done some cunt for a phone, fucking difference does it make?
You bastard! Come on! You've ruined everything. You fucking liar!
Couldn't you have waited till after. l'm reaching me crescendo here!
What's he done, tell me what the fuck he's done!
- l'll tell ya. - And who the hell are you?
See him. He's the one that broke into our shop.
Left Kash for dead and he'd do the same to any one of yer.
You're a dead man.
Lads.
Shall l start again or what?
lt were the first time, Kash, honest.
There's never been anyone else and there won't be again. lt's just...
lan...
No, l have to say it because look at you!
What he did.
And that was my doing.
Cos you're the best thing that's ever happened to me.
- l can't. - Come here.
l don't deserve yer.
lf it hadn't been that guy, it'd have been someone else.
l made a mistake, that's all,
just a stupid mistake.
We always knew it wouldn't last forever, lan.
Nah, don't talk like that, Kash.
Please, just don't talk like it's over.
l've met someone else.
Who is he?
Does it matter? He's single. Older.
He knows what he wants.
Were you gonna fucking tell me?
Harrogate - on last weekend.
- Jesus! - Mandy.
You scared me half to death.
- God, you're... (Mandy) State of you.
lt's gonna be a girl.
Our little baby daughter.
She's due start of next month.
Can l touch her?
Go on then. Be quick.
Listen, my mum's on her way, so you'd best not hang about.
See you around, then.
Good luck, yeah?
(lan) 'Sometimes we get so wrapped up in getting what we want
'that we never really ask ourselves why we wanted it in the first place.'
Lip, they've robbed the shop! Mandy Maguire's been taken to hospital.
My daughter's been knocked down
and someone's gonna get a big fucking kicking for it.
Take it from me, this horse has already won.
We'll get all the cash we can and put it all on.
Stay away from my daughter and her baby.
Are you the handyman?
What is it you need fixing?
l've written a list.
Lillian recommended you.
That all looks OK. Will you be needing a quote?